Sunday, June 19, 2005
mood: anxious
music: Hone~ Ai no Vesion- Amano Tsukiko
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Happy 34th birthday to DAITA..!
Today is also the day for his concert entitled "The Guitar Emission 2: Daita Second Impact"... I just love saying that... Almost as much as I love Daita...^^
So, now that that's done with... Back to me..! Hehehe... School's been swamping me with work which is why I haven't been able to update here... Until now, just in time for Daita-sama's birthday...^^ But I'm sure no one minds... Really... It doesn't matter coz I'm just going to rant off and type nonsense anyway...
This started on Wednesday or Thursday (can't remember) during the diagnostic test in English... So there I was, in my seat in the back, answering away when a shadow cast over my paper which made me really nervous because I freeze when people look over my shoulder... So I looked up and saw my English teacher standing by my chair... She'd been doing that pretty much lately and I thought it was just because my chair was at the back and (much to my delight) near the fan... So I went back to work, trying to ignore the fact that someone was watching over me but still couldn't concentrate... So I guess my teacher noticed my lack of activity and took that opportunity to start up a conversation... So she asked me what my genral average was last year and I replied that I had very low grades back then and that my average was in the low 80s... She gave me one of those "noises" (I can't describe them, kinda like a growl but not really... Marge Simpson noises... Like that...) and said that she really expected me to be in the cream section because my IQ is supposedly so high, yadda, yadda... And since I really don't think that much about things at the moment they're said to me, I went and said "Well I guess I'm not..." I hope that didn't sound rude... Especially since she paid me huge compliment with that comment... My ego is pleased... After that, I got on with the rest of my day and didn't think much of the comment til I got home... And this is what I thought of...
What else is there to the cream section than the prestige..? Sure, the teachers like you best, but because of that, they choose not to handle you, in fear of being biased towards the others... And if they do, than the students in lower sections start to resent you more than they admire you... Other than that, the expectations laid out for you are always so high and because of that, it's like your every move is under surveillance and one small mistake will strip you of all pride and dignity... The immnese shame and downlooking would absolutely kill me for sure... Not to mention that being in there would automatically cast you as a role model, which means like the rules or not, you have to follow them... No matter how stupid... I prefer to rebel a bit more... And the worst thing, you would have to conform with the rest of the people in your class... You are all viewed as overachievers, each with a great sense of responsibility, each a class A teachers' pet... Each one guarded, protected and treated with utmost care, after time, not only will your personality be molded to fit all your classmates', but your sense of reality will be warped as well... All that ego-feeding isn't good for anyone involved... In a highly strucured class like that, no one can *truly* stand out as they are all viewed as the same... I'd much rather be in a class with more diversity and freedom to be myself... I want myself to be seen as Miru, the person and not Miru, the overachieving top student... I remember that at a point in my life, grades used to be so important to me... I longed to be the "smartest", the one with the highest test scores, the constant top of the class, the quiz bee winner, and for a while, I was... And I was happy with it... But as time passed, I realized that the reason I let grades control my life was to fill up a void I had in me... It was so I could feel worthy and validated in the eyes of others... I felt that since I had no confidence or love for myself, that the admiration of others could replace what I was missing... And through my friends and a different outlook on life, I learned to let loose once in a while and become a real person instead of a walking book... There are, after all, things more important than school grades... And I'm angry at myself for being so selfish and shallow back then, which is the same reason I get annoyed at my overly uptight friends who study all night for a 20 item quiz and miss out on what is supposed to be the best time of their lives... That doesn't mean that I encourage laziness and mediocrity, but as I said before, it's shallow to let studies rule over your life when there is still so much out there... I still long for knowledge, but not of the purely academic kind, I want knowledge of the world around me, it's people, it's beauty, mysteries, principles and motivation... I want to break free from that academic driven system so that I can allow myself to see the world and use it to build me up as a person...
Now at this point, I know that my statements are devoid of sense so tis the end for know... Let's hope I don't get swallowed by the infernal purgatory that is school...
